When someone we love is struggling with their mental health, it can be hard to know how to help. We might feel anxious and out of our depth, worried about what might happen in the future. We might feel guilty, like we’re not doing enough. We might feel like we are going round in circles, and that nothing we do or say is right. We might feel sad about the change in our relationship. We might even feel angry and wish that our friend or relative could just ‘pull themselves together’.
It’s horrible to feel powerless when someone we care about is suffering. And so it’s easy to get sucked into trying harder and harder to make things better, using up more and more of our time and energy, and putting our own needs at the bottom of the list. Sometimes it might even feel like we don’t have a choice.
We’ve all heard about putting our own oxygen masks on first, right? We all know that if we don’t look after ourselves, we’re unlikely to be in the best position to look after anyone else in the long run. But even though we know this, it can be hard to put it into practice.
So how do we get the balance right? Here are some ideas:
- Remember your own emotions are valid, and important, whatever they might be. You’re allowed to feel them.
- Be there for your loved one when you can, whether this is to help out with something practical or just to listen, but don’t hold yourself responsible for their happiness – you can’t control how other people feel.
- Encourage your friend or family member to seek out and make use of other sources of support, or help them to do this if necessary. Don’t feel you have to do it all by yourself.
- Be persistent in providing opportunities for your loved one to improve their wellbeing – invite them out for a walk, or round for a cup of tea, or offer to go with them to do something they find difficult – but remind yourself that it’s up to them to take you up on these opportunities.
- Ask yourself what your oxygen mask looks like – what do you need to do to look after yourself or recharge? And then take time to do these things!
- Prioritise identifying and building your own support network – whether that’s family, friends, your doctor, a community organisation, or other services – and ask for help when you need it.
- Try not to criticise yourself, or hold yourself to impossibly high standards – you are human, and you are allowed to make mistakes.
Useful Links
Lantern Psychotherapy 